Lessons From a Toxic Relationship: How My Kundalini Practice Helped Me Find Myself Again

After my 25-year marriage ended, I eventually found myself navigating something I never expected: a toxic relationship with the boyfriend I dated after my divorce.

Looking back, there were red flags. Plenty of them.

But at the time, I wasn't listening to my intuition.

I was 56, newly divorced, and thinking, What am I waiting for? Why not experience living with someone before considering marriage again?

So we moved in together.

And then there was the blue robe...

The Blue Robe—and the Red Flags I Didn’t See

I leave for work, he’s in his blue robe with the hood. I come home from work, he’s in his blue robe with the hood. We sit down for dinner, he’s in his blue robe with the hood. We go to bed, he’s in his blue robe with the hood.

Always that blue robe with the hood.

That was my boyfriend after my divorce.

What was I thinking?

I had completely ignored my intuition. I kept listening to my head instead of tapping into my heart.

I told myself, I’m 56 and divorced. What am I waiting for? Why not have the experience of living with someone before marriage?

I did not expect what was to come.

It was October 2019. We had been living together for only a few weeks. I would come home from work each day and find him sitting on the couch after having “worked from home,” still in his blue robe and looking down and out, like he had lost his job or his best friend.

I would ask if he was okay.

“I can’t be on all the time!” he would say.

Well, I agreed. Except it was the same thing every night.

I started thinking, I guess he needs to get used to living with me. Am I that hard to live with?

How I Slowly Gave Up My Self-Care Practice

He would constantly interrupt the precious hour I had to work on my home-based cellular health business after my full-time job.

He would even knock on the door of the spare bedroom while I was meditating.

Really? I can’t even have an early morning to myself to meditate before starting my day?

He knew how important my Kundalini practice was to me. He said he admired me for it. Yet he always seemed to want my attention when I was immersed in my practice.

I began to feel selfish for having an early morning practice.

Selfish for riding my Peloton before work.

Selfish for wanting to work on my business.

Selfish for spending time with my son when he came to visit.

I allowed this man into my inner world, and little by little, chaos began showing up in areas where I thought I was strong.

I was so steady.

Or I used to be so steady.

What was happening?

I kept up with my practice, but I shortened it. I journaled less. I gave up that time so we could have coffee together in the morning and chat.

I told myself I would let him adjust to living with me before resuming my full morning routine in a few weeks.

A few weeks became months.

When You Ignore Your Intuition, the Red Flags Get Easier to Excuse

Fast-forward to the fall of 2021.

Almost two years of living together.

Two years too many—and too many excuses.

I can see now that I didn’t want to admit I had made a huge mistake by allowing him to live with me so soon after my divorce.

Ego is tough to escape!

Should have. Could have. Would have.

If I had tapped into my intuition, I believe I would have seen the red flags much sooner.

The resentment from not having my early morning time—or even that one hour at night for my business—was building.

Yet I kept thinking, Just give him a little more time.

The disappointment grew.

The resentment grew.

Until finally, I had enough.

The Moment I Finally Said, “I’m Done”

One evening, I was on my weekly Zoom call for my business. The door was closed. He knew how important that hour was to me. I was also in a time crunch, working toward winning a business trip to Nashville.

He came into the room anyway to ask me something that absolutely could have waited an hour.

I don’t even remember the question.

I just remember closing my laptop.

And I lost it.

I became that shadow side of myself I had once drawn during Kundalini Yoga teacher training.

Yup. The beast came out—and she had big fangs!

I had finally snapped.

“It’s time to get the fuck out!”

I had never used that word like that before, and wow, did it feel good.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

So freeing! Ha!

He looked at me.

“Oh, you mean just leave the room?”

Nope.

“No. I mean leave. Permanently. This isn’t working anymore.”

“You mean you’re breaking up with me?”

“Aren’t you tired of this? I’m so tired of it, and I’m done.”

I was done with the manipulation, gaslighting, broken promises, and excuses.

I was tired of being the only one to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, clean the pan—and take out the trash.

I was done with this endless toxic marathon.

It was time for me.

For rest.

For self-care.

For putting on a new pair of sneakers and taking one step at a time toward finding myself again.

How Kundalini Yoga Helped Me Reconnect With Myself

I won that trip to Nashville—and had a ball!

When I came home, I told him he needed to move out by December 18, one week before Christmas.

When Thanksgiving came, he had the nerve to ask me what I was making for Thanksgiving.

Ha!

Instead, I spent Thanksgiving with my cousins in New Jersey and then drove to Montauk for the weekend. I stayed at one of my favorite places on the beach.

Finally, I had time alone.

A date with my intuition.

After a good night’s sleep, I woke up, enjoyed my full Kundalini practice and surrendered.

I sat at the desk in my hotel room overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and opened my journal.

I felt so lost that I didn’t even know what to ask.

My first meditation teacher, Judith Giannotti—may she rest in peace—had taught me a practice she called angel writing. Breathe. Ask a question. Keep breathing. Allow feelings, words, images, or guidance to arise. Then begin writing whatever bubbles up.

So I breathed.

Within a few minutes, I felt peaceful.

Before I could even ask my question, I heard:

LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

Whaaat?!

I thought, I can’t stand the sight of him. How can I love him?

Then I heard:

It’s all about love... SELF-love.

The Self-Awareness That Changed Everything

I wasn’t loving myself.

I was still recovering from a marriage of more than 25 years, and I had thrown myself into another relationship.

I had traded my daily Kundalini practice and journaling for breadcrumbs of a few minutes of quick chanting.

I had given up time with friends, girlfriends, and family for a man who was sucking the life out of me.

And I hadn’t seen it.

I lost myself trying to help him.

Trying to build him up.

Trying to do the work for him.

Trying to help him heal.

But we cannot do the work for another person.

We each have to do our own work.

We each are responsible for our own healing.

And we need to nurture and love ourselves before we can truly love another.

I had made myself a sacrificial lamb.

Overgiving.

Over-excusing.

Overextending.

And finally...

Over this toxic relationship.

Self-Care Is Not Selfish—It Helps Us Hear Our Intuition

I journaled for a long time.

I cried my eyes out and almost lost a contact lens.

I yelled at myself for being so blind.

But I was awake now.

And I was deeply relieved to sit with my Self again.

I felt a peace I remembered from being a teenager, when I would finish a three-mile run, lie down on the grass and stare at the sky, feeling the earth beneath me.

I was returning home.

To peace.

To love.

To myself.

When I returned from Montauk, I resumed my full daily Kundalini practice.

Keep up and you will be kept up.

How I lived through that final month with him still in my home is another story for another blog. I used every tool I had, with the Kundalini teachings as my solid foundation—my peace.

Taking Off the Rose-Colored Glasses

After he finally moved out, I went to Trader Joe’s.

When I returned to my car, I realized I had lost my reading glasses.

They were rose-colored glasses.

Yes, indeed!

Talk about symbolism.

Today, I wear clear-framed reading glasses. To me, they represent clarity—clarity about what matters to me, clarity in relationships, and the gift of discernment.

Self-care is critical to self-awareness.

Taking time each day to nurture yourself gives you space to rest, strengthen your nervous system, hear your intuition, and make decisions that support your highest good.

And yes, sometimes you really don’t know someone until you live with them.

Take off the rose-colored glasses.

Pay attention to behavior.

Notice what someone says—and what they don’t say.

Notice how you feel around them.

And give yourself as much time as you need to reset before beginning another relationship.

You may not know how much time you need.

Take the time anyway.

And if they mention they have a favorite blue robe...

Walk away and don’t turn back!

How Do You Practice Self-Care?

In what ways do you nurture yourself?

Do you have a daily practice that helps you return to yourself and hear your own inner guidance?

If you would like support creating one, I’d love to hear from you.

Peace to all, light to all, love to all, happiness and freedom to all.

— Darlene Attard, Kundalini Darling

Ready to Go Deeper?

If something in this post resonated with you — if you recognized yourself somewhere in these pages — I would love to hear from you.

I offer Kundalini yoga classes and meditation sessions every month. In-person and online. For individuals and groups. These are small, supported, guided experiences — not a room full of experts where you'll feel behind. Everyone begins somewhere. And you are ready exactly as you are.

Reach out to join the next class, or simply to ask a question.

There is no pressure here. No urgency. Just an open door — and a practice waiting for you on the other side of it.

Be steady. Be light.

— Darlene Attard, Kundalini Darling

Darlene Attard is a certified Kundalini Yoga and Meditation teacher and Magnified Healing practitioner with over 22 years of teaching experience. She works with women navigating stress, burnout, life transitions, and the deep desire to feel at home in themselves again.